My super late week recap

 I'm back with a less depressing blog post! 

I'm starting to settle into a routine here so there isn't always as many fun and new things to report, but I want to chronicle my adventures weekly in some form, so bear with me even if it's a little mundane at times.

This past week at school was pretty normal. The only distinct thing I can think of to highlight is the fact that the South African foreign exchange students went home and I judged a spelling bee. Let's unpack those one at a time. 

I mentioned one of the South African foreign exchange students, Maya, in one of my other posts a week or two ago because it was the first time I met her. However, in total there were 5 exchange students that were part of an exchange program specifically between Marista high schools like mine.

 I got to know them a little bit throughout their time here, although we never had any classes together and were in separate courses so we didn't see each other much. (Courses are how they divide different grades here, for example I am in 11th grade Section D, but Keisha, one of the other foreign exchange student girls was in 11th grade Section A) 

On one of their last days here we actually went and toured around the school and gave presentations to some of the younger grades about our foreign exchange programs and even practiced a little bit of English. I was exhausted at the end of that day because I did so much talking, translating, and presenting. I will say though, you can take the past FFA state officer out of her country and make her speak in an entirely new language, but the public speaking skills still transfer in a certain way so that made me super happy. 

I would like to add as a side note that I think we ended up going on this presentation adventure because all of the other students were taking a big test called the PAES on that day. Basically in Chile in order to go to college, you have to pass a test first and depending on your grade it determines what colleges you can apply to. Sort of like the SAT/ACT but mandatory. 

This week we had a practice PAES exam, and I actually did participate the first day because it was mostly math and they figured I would understand that.

Wrong. The first section I did okay, but the second section I absolutely tanked. If anyone sees Mr. Fronhofer please tell him I'm so sorry. I swear I tried my best Mr. Fron, next time we should really cover a unit on Chilean questions. 

Obviously math is math wherever in the world you go, but when I tell you the math in Chile is wack I need you to believe me. They never use a calculator so the questions are all screwy and asked backwards and it's just bizarre. 

But oh well, I have my college stuff all figured out so I really shouldn't stress. Sometimes I don't know how to turn off the stress though so here we are. 

Anyway, enough of that rabbit hole. I also judged a spelling bee this week which was super fun. The Chilean kids were spelling English words, so that is why I got asked to be a judge. Maybe that was kind of obvious but I figured I should clarify just to be safe. 

Let me tell you though, these kids got their stuff together when it comes to spelling English words. We did 11 rounds and they just kept going back and forth without a single mistake. Finally in the end they pulled out a book with harder words and that allowed us to determine our winner. 

In all honesty, if I had been in this spelling bee I would have cracked. Especially with the word mayonnaise? It took me three tries to spell that just now and English is my first language. Crazy how much they emphasize language learning here. 

It honestly scares me sometimes how much people see speaking English as a status symbol. All of the parents here want their kids to practice Spanish with me because they want them to be fluent. It's daunting sometimes just how much people are interested in me simply because I am a native English speaker. 

I took an online anthropology class last summer and there was a unit about globalization and its impact on language. To sum it up for you and save time, basically what it said was that globalization contributes heavily to the death of languages. It makes a scary amount of sense. 

Now I'm not saying that Spanish is going to disappear anytime soon, but when the media portrays English speakers as super successful all of the time, it creates this image that in order to obtain that level of success one needs to speak English. I'm scared to think about whether or not that idea is true or not. Maybe we will unpack that later. 

Okay, coming back around. Sorry. I do that a lot. Go off on side tangents. Imagine what it's like living in my brain all of the time. Or don't because you'll give yourself a headache. 

The spelling bee went super well overall, and that was the end of the week. But don't go anywhere because I have a wild weekend to tell you about. 

For starters, on Saturday morning I willingly woke up unnecessarily early to go hiking with my friends Ornella, Sebastian, and Antonia. Please hold your applause. Although my legs still hurt a little bit it was actually so much fun and I’m glad I went. 

I have a few different friend groups here, but Ornella and Sebastian happen to be part of one of my favs. They're actually in a different section of my grade, so I only see them during elective classes but they are both such a blast. 

Ornella is cousins with my host family and she just has these one liners that always have me holding my stomach. She doesn't understand much English, but the words she does know she uses with expert comedic timing. We like to swap swear words during class sometimes, and before you get all up in arms about it, that is part of the culture too and I think it is important that I learn it. If anything I think it's really good that I have a safe place to learn and practice with her. 

Sebastian is like Ornella but in boy form and they are super close friends, so naturally I became friends with him after spending some time with Orne (no I didn't spell her name wrong, that is her nickname, pronounced or-neigh). He's a vibrant ball of energy and sometimes he talks with me too fast but I love it because he's super curious and smart and just overall a good time. 

Don't worry, I didn't forget about Anto (common nickname here for Antonia). She is actually in my section of our grade and I do enjoy hanging out with her lots. She's spunky and sassy and a little more like me when I am at home. She's normally part of one of my other friend groups, but she got roped into the hike and I'm glad she came because she moved at a similar pace as me, which I think made us both feel better. 

After our hike, I booked it home to shower and change my clothes and then I went off to a surprise birthday party for a girl named Mati who is in my section of my grade.  It was pretty lowkey with lots of chips, pizza, coca cola, and Chilean shenanigans. Overall, 10/10 Chilean outing.

On Sunday I had another adventure to attend. I went with my friends Amanda and Amaya to go shopping at the mall in Viña del Mar, a nearby city. 

This was actually my first time on Chilean public transportation which was an adventure all on its own, completely separate from the actual mall itself. First we took a bus, then a train, then another bus, and then we walked to the mall. 

The girls specifically wanted to buy some makeup, so we went to the Chilean version of Ulta Beauty and afterwards got some fast food for lunch. I even bought myself an ice cream cone. It was good enough, but when you've lived with Battenkill Valley Creamery 10 minutes down the road your whole life, very few things can compare. 

We ended up meeting with some other friends of Amanda and hanging out at the beach for a while (it wasn't anything glamorous I swear, don't get excited. Just a grubby strip of sand with too many people and a harbor filled with boats) After that we got pizza and headed home much later than I had anticipated, but I made it safely and in one piece so that's all that is important. 

I felt bad because I really try hard not to annoy my host parents with too many outings that are super late, but this one was a little inevitable because we kept getting set back with public transportation issues.

Claudia and Gonzalo didn't seem to mind too much and they told me they're used to it because of Almendra, but I still feel bad. I made sure to apologize profusely, don't worry. 

I'm back for another week of school now, and have nothing crazy to report other than there is another new foreign exchange student named Patrick from Houston, Texas. I haven't gotten to know him super well yet, but give me a few days and I'll chat him up. 

That's all for now, but I'm sending love home always 

Yours truly,

Anna

Homesickness, the blog post I've been procrastinating writing

There's always this heaviness that sits in my chest. No matter where I go or what I do, 

I adore Chile, I truly do. The people are so kind and my host family is fabulous and the food is to die for, but that doesn't change the fact that it's simply not my home. And I regretfully say that no matter how much time I spend here, I don't think it will ever become my home. 

I keep telling myself that just because it's different here doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad. And truly, none of Chile is wrong or bad and there are parts of it that I find genuinely beautiful. But it is not mine. 

Being a foreign exchange student is sort of like being a very visible ghost at times. I see and try things and interact and communicate, but at the end of the day everyone knows that my life here is impermanent.

 I'm a bystander and a witness to the lives of others, which is basically the entire objective of my exchange, but it's a feeling I am unused to and one I kind of loathe. I miss having the things I do feel like they matter. 

Maybe I was just spoiled this past year with all of my FFA adventures, because they each had some kind of visible and distinct impact that was just so fulfilling. 

Maybe my homesickness is made worse because of my agricultural background and I feel extra connected to the ground that raised me and helped me become the young woman I am today. Maybe it's because I have so many good things waiting for me when I come home, like an amazing family, college, or rural America in general. Maybe it's because I have so many great people waiting for me at home. 

Unfortunately I can explain none of these sentiments in Spanish, so they sit inside my head, or my chest, or my stomach, or wherever they can find space so they don't spill into my day to day. But they are always there.

And I'd be the biggest liar if I said that I wasn't terrified that life at home is moving on without me.

 Everyone says that nothing has changed, but I know it has in a thousand little unnoticeable ways that will compound over time until I become unfamiliar with the New York I know and love. It makes me toy with the idea of hopping on a plane back to Albany on a daily basis. 

I'd be a bigger liar if I said that I wasn't terrified of the thought of the girl I'm going to be when I come home. Maybe I don't want her. Maybe I like the way I am now. It's worked for me this long. 

Homesickness is called a sickness because there truly isn't a better way to describe the way it makes you feel. 

I feel absolutely gutted when I think about the most random things. 

The 518 area code, the Cambridge Stewart's, the Thruway, the smell of corn being harvested, my little sister and brother getting taller, my friends all at college, going to get breakfast with my dad, being able to laugh because I fully understand a joke, not having to lock every single door in existence because I don't live in a city, knowing the roads I'm driving on, my FFA jacket, oreos, my books, my clothes, the feeling of understanding the world around me. 

I miss being seen and understood. Along the lines of the ghost analogy, I am always an anomaly here. A fun token that is nice to have around and is interesting to look at, but one that will ultimately be set to the side and forgotten once she's out of sight. 

I'm not super positive what has prompted this sudden strong wave of missing you guys. I feel like maybe some of the glamour of the exchange student lifestyle is wearing off and I still feel disoriented. I feel like I am doing this all wrong because everyone tells me I should be better by now but I'm not and I don't know what to do. If anything I feel worse. 

I'm trying so hard to be present and live my life here to the fullest because I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Don't tell anyone that I am also counting down the seconds until I step foot back in that Albany airport. 

I know that letting go will make my experience a million times better. If I can harness my sadness and turn it into patience, I will be able to enjoy the life around me much much more. I just can't bring myself to do it yet. I don't want to let go and I don't want to have to choose a life to live in. I feel like I am letting people down in the U.S. and Chile. I'm sorry.

I also apologize because this blog post does not align with my typical outline and tone. And I'm sorry even further because this entire post was brutally honest, and no one asked for that. I just needed to put these words somewhere other than a journal.

Moral of the story, when I say the words "if you're reading this, please know I miss you" I mean it. I mean it so profoundly and in ways that you will never know. 

I plan to post a recap of this past week soon. Thank you for your patience because I have been struggling and also just so tired at the end of the day. My goal is to post at least weekly, and I am going to try and hold myself to that. 

Much love always,

Anna