HI I HAVE RETURNED
Apologies for the blog inconsistencies, you would think that I would get better at planning out my Chilean days and scheduling time to blog as time goes on, but sadly you would be mistaken.
Chilean school has been about the same as my other blog posts descriptions as of lately. I did have my Chilean play which I will post some pictures of. All went very well and I didn't forget any of my lines so that is always good.
We haven't been doing much if I'm being completely honest. The end of the school year in Chile, based on my experience, is pretty calm. We've had a few final tests here and there but mostly everything just winds down and my impression is that for the last week we play games and socialize and not much else. I suppose I will find out soon enough because my last week of Chilean school is next week.
Given that I don't have many school updates, I'd like to use this blog post as a bit of an emotional check-in, especially with Thanksgiving having happened and Christmas approaching. Also I think it would be good to debrief how I've been feeling and how my language learning is coming now that I've officially been in Chile for 3 months. Yeah you read that right. 1/3 of my exchange year is officially over as of today. Pretty wild.
Before we get to that though, let's start with the heart to heart I had with Abuela because I had a really good conversation with her the other day.
Basically what happened is that my host dad, Gonzalo, had a small operation the other day (don't worry he is recovering very well) but that meant that Claudia was with him in the hospital and my host brothers were all out and about that evening so it was just me and Abuela eating once (pronounced un-say, and it is the Chilean version of dinner). I didn't mind at all because I've actually not been feeling well the past few days, so a mellow meal with Abuela was really exactly what I needed.
She asked me to put on a movie, so I chose Pretty Woman because that was Grandma Vickie's favorite. Obviously we watched it in Spanish, but it still felt really good to watch that movie with a grandma in some shape or form. Even though Abuela isn't technically my grandma, I've really come to think of her as my own and I'd like to think that she thinks of me as her honorary granddaughter but I suppose you'd have to check with her.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
Abuela and I had a really beautiful conversation about her childhood, and I'm proud to say that I think I understood most of it.
We talked about how her father used to be the caretaker of polo horses and how she's loved horses and horseback riding for her whole life. She told me that she used to have long braids, with bows on the end that always matched her dresses because her mom made sure of it and she would wear her cowgirl hat and go to all of the rodeos and horse events with her dad. She told me he used to sit her down with some cookies and a drink for the day and she would watch the horses for as long as she could. She even used to compete in some of the rodeos she told me.
Abuela has actually lived in Rauten her whole life, or at least the majority of it. Her family has always owned property here and that is why my host family came back to this area after living on Easter Island for many years.
Technically my exchange year is in the city of Quillota, but my host family lives in a small suburb named Rauten. It's kind of the same idea of how people say they are from Salem when they actually live in Hebron or Jackson.
Abuela also told me that the first time she left the country was during the time when the military dictatorship was about to start, and she went to visit her friend in Ecuador and ended up having to stay because she couldn't get back into Chile. That was the first time she had been on a plane and she was somewhere between 24 and 27 years old. Just a baby she said.
She told me she stayed for about a year and lived and worked with her friend in some kind of printing shop, or at least that was my understanding of what she said. It's crazy to me to think about how much life she has lived.
I love thinking of her with her long hair and pretty dresses and bows on the back of a horse, not a care in the world. She is a force to be reckoned with now, I can only imagine how the Chilean boys felt back in the day.
She told me that she was basically the Queen of Rauten, and honestly, I completely believe her. She sounds pretty dang close to royalty based on what I've heard so far.
The lesson that I am choosing to take away from all of this is simply that it is so worth it to make the time to get to know people and listen and care for their stories. Just take a minute to think about the fact that this 84 year old woman, who has lived through so many different adventures, ended up sitting at a dinner table with me, and sharing her life experiences and now I am writing them down on this crazy electronic device that didn't even exist when she was actually living those moments. Wild.
My hope in writing them down is of course to share them with everyone at home because let's be honest, I have the coolest Chilean grandma. But also I want to remember these interactions so I can remember and honor her even after I have left Chile because that is what she deserves.
So yeah. That was my heart to heart with Abuela. Now let's do a little bit of reflection.
As far as my language learning is going, I am definitely improving. I feel like I slip in and out of Spanish and English a lot easier now and while I still lack a lot of vocabulary, I understand about 85% of what is happening most of the time.
I find that I struggle if I am put in a stressful situation where I need to understand something quickly, or if I am given a set of directions that are more specific than normal and I know that I have to follow them to have success in a particular situation.
I also have noticed that I struggle with reading large texts and writing fluidly, so my goal is to work on those skills over the summer by reading more in Spanish and making a point to journal or just expose myself to Spanish grammar and vocabulary more. I saw some girls in my class playing some word games the other day and I thought that might be a fun way to learn. My specialized writing teacher also gave us some grammar resources the other day and I'd like to download them and thoroughly go through them sometime when I get a chance.
As far as how I am feeling, it's always a mix of emotions.
I had a stretch of about 2 weeks where I felt alright and I didn't cry too much. My Chilean routine is starting to feel more familiar, the bed I'm sleeping in feels more comfortable, and I think my body is adjusting better to the food, although the mealtimes still mess with me a lot.
But then this past week has been pretty hard. I wasn't feeling well which definitely was a factor. I am extra tired and it's been so hard knowing that everyone is home from college, spending time with their family, eating delicious food and preparing for a nice chilly Christmas, while I'm here.
They don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Chile, although my host family seems excited about the idea of trying to do something similar over the summer so we shall see how that goes. But on top of that, it just doesn't feel like December.
I'm sure to a lot of you, permanent summer sounds like a dream, but for me I feel like I'm stuck in an endless cycle of June/July and I don't really like it. I feel like time is standing still and that the life I'm living here isn't really even my life. It's just this hiatus I'm taking and when I come back to the United States it's going to be during the exact same era that I left, like nothing ever happened. Just a brief glitch in a timeline somewhere.
There's definitely more to it than me just craving the passage of time. I also feel like I am missing out on my own life.
It's actually so weird for me to think about my family having holidays and going about their lives without me. Like what do you mean they are a family of four now? They go out to dinner and people think that my little sister is the oldest simply because I am not there. How can that be?
My little brother is getting taller every second of the day and I can hear his voice changing over the phone. What do you mean he's going to be a completely different person when I come home? Will we even be friends? Who will I be when I finally get on that plane to go back to New York? Will I like her?
I talked about how I was feeling during National FFA Convention a few weeks back, and I may have even mentioned that I listened to past National FFA President, Thaddeus Bergschneider's retiring address, but I'd like to share with you the tagline that he based his entire speech off of because it has been getting me through some hard moments lately.
In his speech, which was centered around the theme of making sacrifices, Thad said this:
Do the difficult now. Gain the great later. Find purpose in the present.
His point with that is that if we make sacrifices now, someone in the future, whether it be ourselves or someone we care about, will gain something great. And the phrase "find purpose in the present" ties into that because when we are actively sacrificing to get to a desired outcome, it becomes the focus and purpose of each moment in front of us.
Well, that's how I interpreted it at least. If you look up "Thaddeus Bergschneider National FFA President Retiring Address" in google you can listen for yourself. I highly reccomend. Take the 20 minutes and go do it.
Anyway, the way that I see that playing out in my life here in Chile is that I made the sacrifice. I have already "done the difficult".
I walked away from a loving community, a beautiful home, and postponed enrollment in the college of my dreams just to cross my fingers and hope that I find something that can measure up. I believe this is something that makes me different from most foreign exchange students because I walked away from a beautiful, beautiful life. I wasn't trying to escape anything and I had everything to lose by leaving.
If I'm being honest, I don't think Chile has measured up to what I have at home.
That's not me saying that I don't love it here. My life in Chile is beautiful and there are so many amazing people and experiences that I have experienced so far. Especially my host family, oh my goodness I got so lucky.
That being said though, none of it holds the same significance and purpose for me that my life at home does.
And that is where the next part of Thad's tagline comes in.
Gain the great later.
I know that by sticking with this experience, fighting through all of these hard feelings, and doing these new things will help me gain life perspective, fluency in a second language, and depth as a young woman. I will gain something great.
But this is the tricky part.
Find purpose in the present.
Because I am still in the process of making this sacrifice that will give me something great in the future, my job becomes to find the things in the present that have meaning and are pointing me in the direction of my goal, even though the purpose feels more shallow than was I used to have before.
I struggle the most with this step because I am accustomed to moving a lot, making noticeable progress, fighting, stressing, failing, but moving, moving, moving. Always moving towards the next good grade, impactful speech, physical location, or big target.
In Chile, finding purpose in the present looks like engaging with as much Spanish as I can. Even when it's boring. It looks like having patience, sitting around a lot and simply watching Chilean life unfold around me because I can learn new things just by being in a room. It looks like making my bed in the morning, doing the dishes for my host family at night, and constantly being uncomfortable as I try and figure out where I fit in the lives of these people that I have only known for three months.
It looks like going to school and trying at least a little bit because I will always learn something if I try, even though I have no reason to because my grades don't matter. It looks like talking with Abuela, and sitting idle a lot of the time waiting for something to happen. It looks like relying on other people a lot instead of moving at my own pace because even though my Spanish has improved, I will never be as independent here as I am capable of being in the U.S.
And all of that is honestly really hard to do. To slow down, but not lose motivation or faith that I made the right choice.
I still question if I did the right thing on a regular basis. But I am actively fighting that sentiment and trying to believe that the universe or some kind of something out there has a plan and it will all turn out the way it is supposed to be.
Thanks for sticking with me through all that. I appreciate all of you who keep up with my blog so so much because it makes me feel a little more connected to home. Now that you've finished, make sure to go and watch that speech, I swear you won't regret it ;)
Much love always,
Anna
