There's always this heaviness that sits in my chest. No matter where I go or what I do,
I adore Chile, I truly do. The people are so kind and my host family is fabulous and the food is to die for, but that doesn't change the fact that it's simply not my home. And I regretfully say that no matter how much time I spend here, I don't think it will ever become my home.
I keep telling myself that just because it's different here doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad. And truly, none of Chile is wrong or bad and there are parts of it that I find genuinely beautiful. But it is not mine.
Being a foreign exchange student is sort of like being a very visible ghost at times. I see and try things and interact and communicate, but at the end of the day everyone knows that my life here is impermanent.
I'm a bystander and a witness to the lives of others, which is basically the entire objective of my exchange, but it's a feeling I am unused to and one I kind of loathe. I miss having the things I do feel like they matter.
Maybe I was just spoiled this past year with all of my FFA adventures, because they each had some kind of visible and distinct impact that was just so fulfilling.
Maybe my homesickness is made worse because of my agricultural background and I feel extra connected to the ground that raised me and helped me become the young woman I am today. Maybe it's because I have so many good things waiting for me when I come home, like an amazing family, college, or rural America in general. Maybe it's because I have so many great people waiting for me at home.
Unfortunately I can explain none of these sentiments in Spanish, so they sit inside my head, or my chest, or my stomach, or wherever they can find space so they don't spill into my day to day. But they are always there.
And I'd be the biggest liar if I said that I wasn't terrified that life at home is moving on without me.
Everyone says that nothing has changed, but I know it has in a thousand little unnoticeable ways that will compound over time until I become unfamiliar with the New York I know and love. It makes me toy with the idea of hopping on a plane back to Albany on a daily basis.
I'd be a bigger liar if I said that I wasn't terrified of the thought of the girl I'm going to be when I come home. Maybe I don't want her. Maybe I like the way I am now. It's worked for me this long.
Homesickness is called a sickness because there truly isn't a better way to describe the way it makes you feel.
I feel absolutely gutted when I think about the most random things.
The 518 area code, the Cambridge Stewart's, the Thruway, the smell of corn being harvested, my little sister and brother getting taller, my friends all at college, going to get breakfast with my dad, being able to laugh because I fully understand a joke, not having to lock every single door in existence because I don't live in a city, knowing the roads I'm driving on, my FFA jacket, oreos, my books, my clothes, the feeling of understanding the world around me.
I miss being seen and understood. Along the lines of the ghost analogy, I am always an anomaly here. A fun token that is nice to have around and is interesting to look at, but one that will ultimately be set to the side and forgotten once she's out of sight.
I'm not super positive what has prompted this sudden strong wave of missing you guys. I feel like maybe some of the glamour of the exchange student lifestyle is wearing off and I still feel disoriented. I feel like I am doing this all wrong because everyone tells me I should be better by now but I'm not and I don't know what to do. If anything I feel worse.
I'm trying so hard to be present and live my life here to the fullest because I know this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Don't tell anyone that I am also counting down the seconds until I step foot back in that Albany airport.
I know that letting go will make my experience a million times better. If I can harness my sadness and turn it into patience, I will be able to enjoy the life around me much much more. I just can't bring myself to do it yet. I don't want to let go and I don't want to have to choose a life to live in. I feel like I am letting people down in the U.S. and Chile. I'm sorry.
I also apologize because this blog post does not align with my typical outline and tone. And I'm sorry even further because this entire post was brutally honest, and no one asked for that. I just needed to put these words somewhere other than a journal.
Moral of the story, when I say the words "if you're reading this, please know I miss you" I mean it. I mean it so profoundly and in ways that you will never know.
I plan to post a recap of this past week soon. Thank you for your patience because I have been struggling and also just so tired at the end of the day. My goal is to post at least weekly, and I am going to try and hold myself to that.
Much love always,
Anna
No comments:
Post a Comment